just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
