Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
