He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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