Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
