New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
