ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
