My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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