There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
