Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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