Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize