Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
