You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
being pregnant is like rehab
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
