mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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