I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
