It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
