i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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