i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
