we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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