So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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