oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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