My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
