Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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