I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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