sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
