I can tuck mytits in my pants
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
