eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
