its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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