Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Randomize
