I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize