got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
