I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
