dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
