I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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