True but thats because hes a fetus.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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