she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize