just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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