I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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