the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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