Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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