if you like me you must not know who I am
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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