ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
