Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
