the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize