If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
