Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You've changed since you got that strap on
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
