smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
