you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
