She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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