The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
