Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
