your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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