we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize