Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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