I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
