Say something about gay babies.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize