dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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