Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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