you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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