i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
