Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
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