I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Congratulations! We have a period
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