Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
