Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
