I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
