my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
where are you?
Hypothermia
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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