I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
