Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When are your genitals available?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
