Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
