I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
