she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
