If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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