So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
