he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
